Feeling the Inspiration Come Back

I've missed my desire to write.  I've wanted to want to write for a while.  But with my busy, crazy days, I've been so burnt out by the time I get to the end of the day.  So what is a writer who doesn't really write much?  A little lost, I'm afraid.  I've felt lost without the writer side of me but loathe to do something after hours since work hours meant staring at a computer.

Now, I'm looking at the light at the end of the tunnel [and it's not a train.]  One insanely time-consuming assignment wraps up this week, and I'm seeing my writing through the end of that tunnel.  It makes me feel light and happy.  I spent real time editing one of my drafts for the first time in weeks last night.   I feel my writing self beneath the surface, just waiting to come out, or rather, creeping back out, little by little.  Soon.

Smeared across the Wall

It's one thing to hit a wall or face the empty page.  I've dealt with writer's block before.  It's yet another to be so burned out from working so much that you can't even muster the desire to get past the blocks.  I have the editor's feedback to deal with.  I have some really great suggestions from my nephew and his wife to pursue.  I have a line by line edit from someone in my writers' group to evaluate and incorporate.  I have my middle-grade fiction to write.  I have blogging and my writers' group in which to involve myself.  I have the holiday season to acknowledge, Christmas spirit to muster.

But these last few weeks, I haven't even wanted to want to do any of it.  I spend so much time on obligations and have-to-dos that all of this looks like excess, like stuff I ought to do but can't face right now.  All of it.  I have been so driven for so long.  But now, the writing bus has four busted tires and is up on cinder blocks.  About all the energy and ambition I can muster is to do a little editing on one of my manuscripts.  I can't even summon the desire to read it to my husband.  I'm not even sure why this wall is even here.  I know it has something to do with all the teaching I've done this semester.  Probably a lot to do with it.  I'm just hoping this wall tumbles down as soon as  this semester is over, so I can enjoy the Christmas spirit and hop back on that writing bus.

More Feedback

My nephew, entirely outside the target audience for my writing, has been reading and, for the most part, enjoying my novel.  He's been giving me great suggestions of how to make some child characters' responses more true to children who have been neglected by a parent.  It's great feedback and points I'd never considered.

It's really nice to have readers fully engage with my material.  I've had some readers who just gloss over everything and say that it's wonderful.  But I'm to a point that I want real feedback.  It's more helpful than those who say it's just good.  On the other hand, it does make me wonder if I will ever get to a state of doneness.  I know it will come.  But it just feels so long and strenuous.  I need to sit down and engage with all of this feedback.

Battling the Blank Page

I have piles of editing to do, but I also need to keep up with my writing group.  So this week's push was to write two chapters.  Yes, just two.  And I just couldn't figure out what to write next that didn't repeat all that had gone on before.  So I'd write two or three lines to nudge the action forward then stop and stare at the screen.  I'm just not an outliner.  It works best for me to brainstorm a bit before I sit to write just so I know what's about to happen, then I sit and write.  But I haven't brainstormed recently.  So that blank page loomed large all week.

Then I did what I should have done in the first place, which was go to my brain trust.  It's a middle-grade fiction book, so I took my questions to my middle-grade kids.  What happens next?  They came up with a forward pathway right away.  Duh.  When all else fails, do the obvious: brainstorm.  Talk it through.  And that, my friends, is the path through the cold, white desolation of the blank page.

Seeking Motivation

                                                          (Time slipping by)

Every day, I mean to write in a meaningful way, or at least to use the feedback the editor sent.  Every day, it gets late by the time I finish everything else, and I only end up writing a bit on my middle-grade fiction novel or editing the sequel because it's less stressful and easier to take in small chunks.  And by the time I got to the end of the week and had a bit more time to myself, I was having vision problems...I was having a hard time seeing myself staring at a computer a moment longer than I had to.  When I was done with obligations, I was burned out from grading papers for teaching, answering emails, and doing all the other necessary functions as an online instructor.  I think I'll need to print the thing out, just to move forward with it.

This is the last big step before I can try to publish again.  I can do this.  Maybe I need to offer myself ice cream or a movie when I get it done because the ticking clock sure isn't helping.   Man, I'm so tired of editing.  I just want to write again.

The Editor's Review

So as I expected, the editor's review of my manuscript is a mixed bag.  I haven't had the chance to go over more than just the overview.  Much of it is very, very positive.  But there's still a long list of stuff I need to work on.  She didn't immediately discount my characters as unlikeable as at least one of my readers did, but she did give me pointers about how to make them more likeable, which is helpful.  I will have to go through the line by line suggestions.  I'm sure there is much from which I can learn.  And much work to do.

Sigh.  There is no such thing as a manuscript that is perfect.  I just have to achieve publishability.  That's still going to be a long haul.  But at least I know how I can do it.

Burned out

So much for my habit of writing every day.  I've started teaching 2 sections of an online course with a total of 80 students, 3 rounds of grading per.  It's eaten me alive.  Plus, I've been participating in my writers' group, giving feedback, plus having guests and a million other things.  So I've been writing one paragraph on my middle-grade fiction here and there and doing minimal revising of my sequel to the novel I submitted to the editor for review.  I think part of the issue was I was working so hard for so long on that project that I'm a little burned out.

But in the next few days, I'm supposed to get the editor's review back on my manuscript.  That was fast.  Within short order, I will have those comments plus some I already had to look over and employ on my book.  In the very near future, I will be up to my eyeballs in editing again.  But for now, I've been having vision problem: I've been having a hard time seeing how I could fit writing in and having a worse time finding the ambition to do so.  But that's all going to change momentarily.

Editor!

So the publisher who refused my manuscript suggested I send it to a local paid editor to make sure it's ready to be published.  I did that.  I'm just not giving that same publisher another shot at it.  I will move onto another publisher when it's all polished up and pretty.  If they pass, there's a plan C.  If they pass, I guess it's indie publishing for me until I get picked up somewhere.

This week, I finished polishing it enough to send it to an editor at Eschler Editing.  We chatted for a while, and it's remarkable how human and genuine she sounded.  It made me feel at ease right away. I'll I asked for is to make sure the plot/characters work.  Those seemed to be the greatest issues the publisher had with my work [big ones, it's true].  That kind of edit is really not unreasonably priced.

I'll meanwhile send the new draft to friends and family who already went over it, so they can see the changes and tell me if the newest draft works for them.  So far, I've heard back from my nephew [not the target audience--not LDS, not female, but so far enjoying the book] and his girlfriend, who gratified me by saying I made her cry with it, like the healing kind of cry.  I know I feel better about it already, and I'm thinking after I use the editor's suggestions plus a few of my readers' suggestions, I'll be ready to submit it again.

In the meantime, I'm walking away from that manuscript entirely for a while, so when I see it again, it's once again with fresher eyes, eyes that can see it for what it is rather than for what I imagine it to be.

Again

                                                                                                                                                               

My first novel and second are tied, so whatever I do to one, I have to do to the other.  I have spent the last 2-3 months revising my first novel to be third-person instead of first based on feedback.  I knew this was coming, but I'm still stuck with it.  The second book, Pigs Fly, is only in first-draft but is already close to 80,000 words.  I'm back to the tedious [and long] process of revising the next book to be third-person.  Man, this is going to make me think twice about doing a huge chunk of books one and two before I finalize book one.  Because if editing one such book this way makes me want to pull my hair out until I'm bald, doing the same again makes me want to run screaming for the hills.

But the one thing I don't want to do right now is to even look at book one until I hear back from the editor.  I need a serious break.  And I haven't edited book 2 to death.  It's been really rough drafted, assembled and reorganized, and not much else.  I haven't even read it aloud to my husband, who's one of my best critics.  And it's not so bad to change things up in the tedious way if I'm still editing everything else.  So I guess minutia editing, here I come.

I did it!

Last week, I said I was going to get my major rewrite of my manuscript done.  I worked hard over this last week and one day late, I got it to the editor for recommendations.  I've rarely felt that satisfied as when I finished that.  Few things are quite as tedious as that kind of revision, switching from first to third person.  I know it still needs work.  I got further suggestions from another writer, some of which may match what I hear from an editor.  But I won't mess with any of it until I have it all sitting in front of me.  Then I'll use what works and get it submitted [again] for possible publication.  If this next publisher passes, I'm back and forth between independent publishing and a small publisher.  I don't mind the idea of going indie, though it would be nice to have the name recognition of a publisher for at least my first one.  

Meanwhile, I'm kind of at a loss as to what I should work on next when it comes to writing.  I'd love to just write, but I know that manuscript's sequel/spin-off needs work, too.  I've just been so single-minded for around two months that I haven't been into anything else for a while.  It does feel nice to know I have choices.  It's a good place to be.  

Determined

This is it.  This has to be it.  I have to get my manuscript done.  So much of my soul has been consumed by stressing about getting this manuscript done.  I have yet another due date I set myself to get the editing done, to submit it to the editor.  I remember something my master's thesis advisor told me: there's good, and there's done.

It was disheartening when I received more feedback from the person who has been reading my manuscript.  And it sounds like she straight up doesn't like it.  At the same time, I know there are people who do like it.  She's clearly not the target audience.  I have to accept I'm not going to please everyone.  I will take her feedback and use it as much as it fits into my vision of my story.  But not now.

Right now, I need to finish what I started in turning the whole manuscript from first-person to third-person.  I need to make it as good as it can get in a handful of days.  Then I need to send it to the editor.  I can take their feedback and hers and polish it as much as possible before I send it in for publication...again.  It's still far from done, far from perfect.  But my plate is filling up quickly.  If I don't get it done now, it may be months before it gets done.  I can't keep dragging my feet.  I have to get this done.  Someone out there needs my tale of healing, the story of a woman trained in helplessness fighting her way to self-confidence.  I need to get it to that person.  And the next step is this: getting it done and to the editor.

Feedback

It's good to get feedback from other writers.  That's why I rejoined League of Utah Writers after some hiatus.  I went to a different branch of the group before, one, that met in person.  It was really good to get personal feedback, especially from such excellent writers and critiquers.  Several of them are published and really know what they're doing.

However, I found myself going less and less often because life gets hectic.  The way they run it, you bring your text in one time, people take it home and read and critique it thoroughly, and then you get it back with verbal explanations the next time.  It's a good system, but it didn't work for me.  I would have to have driven 20 minutes to get back into town after going home, or I would have had to stick around in town long after it was necessary...two weeks in a row.  It's hard to make a commitment like that.  If I lived in town, it would have been no big deal.  But especially in winter when even the highway can get slick, and fog makes visibility at night impossible, I just rarely went.

Then I discovered a group that met ONLINE.  Some of them aren't even in the same STATE.  I get the sense that most of them are a little more new to the experience of writing, but the group works for me because I can do it on my own time, without the drive.  It does require that I drop everything to critique others' writing once a month, but it's working fairly well for me since I get their critiques in return.  As I said in a different blog last time, I highly recommend a group like this for anyone.

Missing the Fun

I understand the importance of editing.  It's a critical part of taking writing from a rough draft to a stage where you're ready to share your writing with others through self-publishing, contests, traditional publication, etc.  I get that.  But I miss wearing my writer's hat.  I know I can write and edit at the same time.  But I find that when I have an editing project going and a writing project going at the same time, I want to do the writing.  Editing sits and waits because it's so much more fun to write for me than to edit.

When I'm writing, I feel alive, refreshed, joyous.  When I'm editing, it's a rough slog.  It feels obligatory.  I suppose I need to find a way to turn it from obligatory to joyous.  But it's like cleaning house.  It just seems that it's almost more work trying to find a way for it to be fun or easy than it is to just edit.  See my post a couple of weeks ago about what not to do.  I just have to remind myself that when the editing is done, I get to reward myself by putting my writing hat back on.  That will be a moment to celebrate.

Back into Writing

I've been writing daily, or at least editing most days, for a few years now.  It's the only way to keep the momentum going.  I've  been trying to get my husband to write.  We both know he has stories to tell and meaning to share.  He started a story about a woman dealing with post-abortion stress without realizing it.  It's a great story, and he's a better writer than me overall.  I know there are people who can be helped in their healing process through his writing.  But depression weighs him down.  Stress keeps his days full.

Last night, we went camping, and without my prompting or reminding him, he started writing again.  I'm hoping we can keep this momentum for him going.  I'd like to get him into League of Utah Writers, a writing group that has helped my momentum keep going with my middle-grade fiction novels.  Here's hoping this wasn't a fluke.

Choked

So much for my writing deadline.  It doesn't help when I know the due dates are artificial.  I got a lot of work done toward getting my manuscript edited by the deadline.  But a lot is not the same as all, not by half.  I knew deep down [or not so deep down] that the deadline wouldn't make me or break me.  I want this manuscript done and sent to the editor.  I want to move on to my other book for a while.  But it's really hard to sit and use as much time as is necessary to get it all done.  So I had to extend.  I just hope I don't have to extend again.

It's not that an extension is all bad.  I have more time.  But this puts off my submission to another publisher even more.  It means people who might be helped along in their healing process have to wait that much longer for my novel.  It frustrates me to fail in even this artificial a due date.  I just need to find a way to motivate myself, a set number of hours to work on this project daily and a reward [maybe something without excessive calories] to give myself every time I succeed in meeting that goal.  I know I can do this.  I just need to do it.  It's so much more fun to do the actual writing.

Ticking Clock

I set the due date for my manuscript to arrive with the editor for the beginning of August.  That date felt so far away when I set it.  Now, it's around a week away.  And I don't feel anywhere near ready.  It's amazing how many things seem more urgent...or interesting... than editing, even as the due date looms large.  It's not that I can't reshuffle that deadline, but I'd like to be done with that manuscript for a while.  I love it, but I've been working on it for over two years.  I'd like to do something else for a while.

I imagine whether I end up moving the due date or not, just the act of giving myself a deadline, artificial or otherwise, will drive me to get more done.  It's amazing how inspirational a due date can be.  It's just so very tedious to change a manuscript from first- to third-person.  I know it needs to be done.  I've given the reasons it needs to be done.  I get it.  But I'd much rather watch a video, read a book, write new material with my middle-grade fiction, or clean my toilet, anything rather than back to the tedium of editing like this.  Even revision can entail a little writing and, therefore, more fun.  Ah, well.  I have nothing more important to do, really, so off I go.  Editing, here I come.

Booboo

What does it take to keep a blonde busy?  As it turns out, just one false move.  Here's a major thou shalt not of editing that I learned recently:  Thou shalt not make any major editorial decisions when you're half asleep.  I tried this.  Bad idea.

I wanted to do something toward writing one busy day.  I was half asleep.  I'm trying to convert my first person novel to third person, so I don't have to balance my main male character's voice with my main female character's voice.  Then I can keep his voice and ignore that suggestion that I cut his perspective entirely.  But it's a lot of work and very tedious to go through and change every I, me, my, etc. to third person.

I decided in my groggy state to use the auto correct.  Then, of course, my computer was choking.  I had to reboot it.  Now, I can't undo the fact that I accidentally changed every me to him, when I meant to change them to her, and so I'm having to change every himssage back into message, himn into mean, and all such embarrassing and loony changes without the benefit of undo.  I would thump my head into a wall with frustration that I made even MORE annoying and tedious work for myself except then I'd damage the few brain cells I have left at the end of the day.

Preparing for the Editor

When the publisher turned me down, they recommended I get myself an editor.  I'd considered it before, but now, it's become essential.  I just got an email back from said editor, inviting me to turn in my stuff [if possible] around the first part of August.

I've been incorporating the last significant feedback I received from a fellow writer.  I've chosen the middle ground.  I've been trying to figure out how it works within the typical format of the romance novel.  A lot of romance novels start when guy and girl catch each other's eye and ends when they close the deal somehow and become an item.  I don't start there.  That's what the feedback [and the publisher for that matter] seems to want.  They want my romance novel to be JUST a typical, run-of-the-mill romance novel that starts at eye contact and ends with happily ever after.  But that's not what the story is about for me.  It misses the point.  As I've said before, for me, it's the tale of two broken people who have to seek healing for themselves before they are ready to create a relationship with each other.

So now, I've cut out everything from the first 85 pages that isn't critical.  I introduce the character and make her loveable [I hope] by making the reader laugh and see her love for others around her.  They see her heart and her humor.  Now the reader cares about her, they may care about her false start at romance [the once upon a time that sounds like so many romance novels and fairy tales but ends badly] then her dramatic scene of pain and heart-ache.  All of that now happens in 15 pages, a prologue and a brief part one, which sets up [without flashbacks or dream sequences] the heroine's back story.  I can see where I need to reshape her character some, but overall, she's more or less ready for editing software and another read through with my husband.

The problem is his part of the narrative.  That same reader recommended I cut his side, where I write from both his and her points of view to add to the mystery.  From what I understand, there's no mystery in a romance novel.  Pretending there's mystery in a romance novel is like pretending there's some kind of mystery as to what's going to happen to the Titanic at the beginning of the movie.  I don't like cutting his side entirely since so much of the story revolves around him, and not just the romance.  A big part of the climax is about working out his trials.  If this is her story, his trials don't mean much.  It becomes a different story entirely.  In addition, I've just written the second book's first draft from, once again, the male and female perspective.  If I cut the guy out of this story, I have to do the same with that story.  And I'm not willing to do that.  Once again, it changes the narrative.

So does this mean I have to change it to third person?  I like the urgency of first person.  I don't know.  I'm inclined to find a new way, a brief way, to introduce him and to keep his voice as a back-up singer, less important than hers but still present.   That's the next part for me to struggle with.  Wish me luck.

Ignoring the Elephant

I have started tearing apart the manuscript of my first book, After the Dream, as per recent feedback.  I kept the original draft, but I see now that it won't work for a lot of readers.  It's just not "fun" enough.  It hurt to write, so it hurts to read it.  As I said before, I have feedback that would guide me how to turn it into a standard romance.  But I don't WANT it to be a standard romance.  The, for me, there's no point in writing a standard romance since there are so many.  The book for me is at least as much about healing as it is about romance.  So I need that aspect.  How do I balance fun and meaning?

So while I ponder that, I'm off doing some fun and frivolous writing on the first draft book two of my middle-grade fiction series, Doomimals.  The first, Cock-a-doodle-DOOM, one has mostly been run through League of Utah Writers for feedback and is also waiting a revision, as is the first draft of the sequel to After the Dream, Pigs Fly.

So what do I do in the face of all this revision that needs to be done?  I entertain my kids with chapter after chapter of the fun stuff, Cat-a-clysm, because they're my most immediate audience.  I no sooner finish one chapter then they have to have the next.  Which makes me wonder what I was doing wrong with the first one that they weren't pushing me quite so hard to get them a new chapter.  Maybe it's just because this one is about CATS, and as far as they're concerned, nothing is more important.  So I keep looking at the elephant, the large pile of revision to be done.  And while I'm looking at it and trying to guilt trip myself into doing something about it, I'm entertaining kids.  It's the adult, mature version of procrastination.

Bubble Burst

I have been working on After the Dream for two years now.  I have had readers and more readers go through it.  Some have made little suggestions or even significant recommendations for entire scene changes.  I listened and shifted scenes and characters accordingly.

When I felt it was as good as I could get it, I sent it to a publisher and waited five months only to have it rejected.  I asked right away if they could give me some kind of idea about what didn't work for them.  Their response left me somewhat puzzled because it was so vague.  Then recently, I had a good author in my writer's group go over it.  Her feedback sounded like a much more specific and detailed version of what the publisher had sent me.  And it left me reeling.

I've received and given the feedback that a story started in the wrong place, that a whole section should simply be cut.  But to receive feedback that the entire first 100 pages were unnecessary and should be woven into flashbacks and such was something for which I was totally unprepared.  She also said she would cut it down to one point of view character and round out some of the characters.
I had multiple reactions to this.  One was, "Oh, that explains what the publisher meant."  Another was, "Well, that would turn it into the stereotypical romance story just like everyone else's." Yet a third was, "Well, that shows me how to get it down to the word count I'm seeking."  My emotions were all over the place because, although it's my story with which I can do as I like, I can't simply ignore feedback that so eerily echoes the publisher's.  I am waiting for a local editor to set an appointment to read through my manuscript.  If I do nothing, I will likely get the very same feedback all over again and learn nothing new.

On the other hand, I have a certain vision of what the heart of my romance novel is, and it's not just the standard once upon a time, boy meets girl. That is what would come of following this advice to the letter.  I see my novel as at least as much about healing from trauma as it is about romance.  If I cut the trauma entirely, it's not the same story.  If I cut the dream of pursuing a fairy tale/stereotypical romance only to find that both can go very wrong if not carefully considered, I cut out the heart of the story. On the other hand, it's true that most people would struggle with that first segment.  And if people don't get past that, they don't get to the part where the main character and the narrative come alive.  And to me, the man's point of view is as important as the woman's in this story, especially with the fact that my second novel also uses both points of view.

I give the advice all the time to help people care about the main character as step one.  Give them a reason to care, and they'll follow you to the ends of the world.  I thought I had but clearly not.  I have rewritten the first scene entirely to bring in the humor and the heart before launching the dream and nightmare.  I have included most of the dream but only a small fragment of the nightmare, the part that matters most. I have also included the part where she seeks comfort from a trusted confidante.  And now, alakazam, 80 pages of what was apparently drudgery becomes [I hope] 15-20 pages of meaningful backstory without extensive flashbacks.  My overly long manuscript becomes about the right length.  Now, to smooth it over and weave in the critical missing pieces.  Here's hoping the local editor and readers approve.

Another first draft!

Yay!  I finished the first draft of my middle-grade book Doomimals Book 1: Cock-a-doodle-DOOM. My readers in my writing group are almost done with it and tell me they're enjoying it.

I have a committee of family members reading it and eagerly anticipating each new chapter.  So much so that my little girl would not be happy until I wrote the first chapter of the next book Cat-a-clysm, plotted based on "The Three Little Kittens" just as the first one was plotted based on "Chicken Little."  They've been a lot of fun to write.

But now I have a problem: I have three drafts in various stages of completion, one that I thought was done that needs to be tweaked and two that just have a first draft.  Two need to be read aloud with my husband [and one run through my editing software] while the third needs some revision based on feedback.

And my little girl has now listened to my first chapter of Cat-a-clysm and is addicted.  She must have MORE.  Not to mention a list of other things I need to do in the day.  So now, I have to figure out how to fit everything at once.  And the increased humor in book two means book one needs to get funnier.

I wonder if there's an app for finding more time in the day, maybe expanding my day to 30 hours instead of 24.  I guess there are worse problems than having too many manuscripts, like staring at a blank page and wondering how to find those first words.  I've been there, too.  One of my early blogs covers that.  I'd rather have this problem.

Crossroads

I'm at a crossroads.  I have now finished the rough draft of book 2, Pigs Fly.  I would like to go through and work on my next reading through with my husband, who is a good writer in his own right.  He will help me add more humor, more snark, as well as more of the spiritual.  I have a willing audience, fans who have read my first book who have expressed an interest in reading the second.

On the other hand, I have a local editor who has given me a discount and will be putting my first book, After the Dream, on their summer schedule.  It needs to be refined and tweaked to the best of my ability before they look at it and tell me what else it needs.  And what if I make substantial changes that impact book two?  Is there any point in revising book two until I know what's going on with book one?

For now, I've been reworking short stories I wrote and won prizes on 14 years ago, thereby improving my editing skills as well as figuring out how my editing software works for when I tackle the big pieces.  The contest due date is tomorrow, so it's not like this delay will go on for much longer.  I suppose it's back to book one for me.  I just hope it doesn't take long.

Polishing

Once upon a time, 15 years ago, I entered three short stories in the League of Utah Writers contest, and I won first prize on all three.  The next year, I figured it would be no problem to win some more since I had such luck the first time.  I got a couple of second prizes.  Not bad.  The next year, I entered a few more pieces and won nothing.  I gave up for a while.  I've entered a few contests since, have gotten a few honorable mentions here and there, including with Writer's Digest.  But otherwise, I have struggled to repeat the glory of that one shimmering year.

I've started assembling several short stories, including the prize winners, into a short story collection called "One if by Starlight" about women finding confidence in an insecure world.  It has kind of a slim plot in a frame story.  I'm not sure if I should publish it as a whole or hold onto the individual stories against publishing indie if I have to go that route with my novels.  For now, I'm polishing the best of the stories to submit them in a contest for prior winners.  The part that makes me feel really good is that I'm finding so much to fix.  The last time I tinkered with them several years ago, they were as polished as I could get them.  Now, I'm finding more to polish and fix.  I guess that means I've improved as a writer.  I know it couldn't hurt to get some more wins on my resume for when I submit my novel to another publisher.  Now if only I could find time to do everything at once.

Wrong angle?

With my first book, After the Dream, I started with the angle of tragedy and pain.  I started with my spiritual healing and insights and built a story around it.  I wasn't so much trying to tack a story on an agenda.  That kind of story is thin and preachy.  I was trying to show my own pain through metaphors, through the safe veneer of fiction.  The morals and meanings did not have to be tacked on.  They were at the core of the story.

Now, with my second novel, Pigs Fly, I have some spiritual content mixed in with a good story.  But I started with the characters and then the story, not the meaning.  Now, I'm going the reverse route and trying to weave meaning into a complete story.  The thing is I don't want the meaning to feel tacked on.  I want it to feel like an intrinsic piece of the story.

Now, there are thin stories that are merely a vessel, an excuse to preach.  That's what "The Last Mimsy," "Golden Compass," and "Pinocchio" appear to be to me.  The stories fall flat because they're more about the moral than they are about the story.  That, for me, is a problem.  However, there are so many stories that are all about story with little meaning or significance past the story.

I would like to hit a balance between the two, where I employ meaning in my story or employ story in my meanings.  I just fear that because I started with the story in this case and almost entirely left out the meaning until I have a first draft, any meaning I add will feel tacked on.  The whole reason I'm writing right now is to share meaning along with story, not just one or the other.  I guess I'll keep that in mind as I proceed with revision.  

Back to Editing

I'm almost done with my rough draft for my second book, Pigs Fly.  I know there are parts that need to be beefed up, particularly the spiritual parts, a few characters that more or less disappear, subplots I planned to write but haven't, and especially spiritual parts.  However, mostly, I need to let the editor side of my brain back in the door.

Mostly, I just write my first draft.  I let the words flow naturally.  If something needs to be edited or substantially altered, I just note that without going there and move on.  I have written most of my important scenes, sewn them together, and smoothed out the plotline.  Now, I can open the door and let my internal editor tackle it.  While she's in the room, I also need to let her take a serious crack at that first manuscript.  I just dread this part.  The fun part is letting my imagination go nuts.  It's play for me.  Now, I feel like I'm having to go back to work.  When I wrote my first book, After the Dream, I took about six months to get to this point.  Once again, it's been six months.  I just pray it doesn't take me the same twelve months to get the work part out of the way, so I can get back to playing.

Cultural Writing

I think adding a character's cultural heritage to a book can enhance it.  You want to develop your characters as deeply and uniquely as you can, so it's good to know about their families and their heritage.  In so many books, characters are just American with no significant cultural background.  In After the Dream, one of my main characters is Latin American.  I used my knowledge of the Latin mindset based on living and working with them on an LDS mission for two years and insights from Latin friends to create what, I hope, is a reasonably convincing third-generation Latino.  In Pigs Fly, one of my main characters is a second-generation Finn.  My husband's mother was a Swedish Finn, so I lean on his cultural knowledge to write that character.  But I know second-hand cultural knowledge is not enough.  I've also been researching Finnish culture from a Finnish perspective.

When one presents cultural heritage, it should not be based simply on stereotypes and hearsay.  And why have the culture at all if I can't present what it feels like, looks like, smells like to be in the culture?  So I have scenes where the characters are immersed in the experiences and meaning of Finnish life.  I've read very little written from a Latin American perspective but nothing at all from a Finnish-American perspective.  Through writing this way, I get to go on a cultural voyage and take others with me.  

Entering a Contest

It's been a long time since I've entered a contest.  The last time I entered a contest, it was statewide.  The feedback I got was biased, personal, and not at all helpful.  So I decided to avoid wasting money and time on contests.  I've come full circle again.  It's time to try again for the sake of my resume and to help my longer writing get published.  Last time I entered Writer's Digest's competition, many moons ago, I did get an honorable mention.  I have heard winning, or even placing in, that contest gives authors positive attention that helps get writing published.  I'm also considering entering Writer's of the Future, a contest for authors of genre fiction.  I've been focusing on longer fiction, but I imagine I could polish some old writing and turn it into something really worth reading.

As I prepared to enter the contest, I pulled out a piece of mine that won first prize in a competition 15 years ago.  I've been honing my writing abilities in the last few years, so when I looked back at that story I was so proud of, I saw a lot of trimming and refinement waiting to be done.  "He Loves Me" became "Short Leash," and the story was born anew.  I don't know for sure if it will even win an honorable mention, but it feels good to be moving in a forwardly direction.  I highly recommend it.

First Rejection

I sent out my first manuscript, the novel After the Dream, back in December.  I've just received my first publisher rejection.  But I shot back an email and got back some useful global feedback, a general direction in which to head.

I will not let one rejection stop me.  It is a setback but not a defeat.  I will take the manuscript, refine it further, get more feedback, and at least as importantly, get an editor's feedback.  I still believe in my characters and my story.  I won't even necessarily go back to the same publisher, but we shall see.  Perhaps eventually, I will end up having to look into independent publishing because the market is not very broad in my chosen genre.  I will continue to work forward on the sequel/spinoff while refining the first one.

On the bright side, there's no longer any rush to get that second book ready before the publisher asks for it.  However, I do have a fan base among my friends.  They are eager to read it.  And it's for my readers I'm writing, anyway.  This is part of my calling, my mission on this earth, and I won't let one rejection stand between me and achieving it.

Teaching English

I've always wanted to teach writing.  I remember sitting in my third-grade class and thinking as I wrote something, "This.  This is what I want to do when I grow up.  I want to write third graders how to write."  Then as I passed from one grade to another, the age I wanted to teach grew up with me until I reached my master's program.  At the age of 26, I discovered what I wanted to do when I grew up, aside from becoming a writer, was teaching writing in college.  That hasn't changed.  2 1/2 years ago, I applied for such a job and didn't get it, but they kept my information on file.  A couple of months ago, I was finally offered the job teaching writing to college students.  It was quite literally  a gift from on high because I'd all but given up on that dream, at least until my kids get older and I get time to think about a doctorate.  It's been an awesome blessing in my life, and it's only just begun.

One of the assignments for the class is to write a love letter to something, not someone.  I thought it would be kind of fun to try it myself.  I could write a love letter to many things around me from my cats to my house, but since this is a blog on writing, it makes the most sense to write a love letter to writing.

Dear Writing, 

I have always loved you, Writing.  I was eager to learn how to read in first grade so I could meet you.  And I did.  I spent so much time with you.  You were my best friend.  I spent time with you and your cousin, Drawing, all through my childhood and youth.  Dear Writing, you showed up in the form of stories about cats in outer space and stories about fuzzy aliens and stories about superheroes and stories about dragons.  When I was in high school, you showed up in novel form.  At the time, you were cliched, poorly written, and that version of you will never see the light of day.  However, I felt good about you.  It was so much fun to spend every day with you.  Then I went to college and got to take classes about how to get to know you better.  You become more complicated and exciting.  

Sadly, there were times I had to spend some time with you I didn't always like because I had to not because I wanted to.  For a while after college, you weren't a big part of my life.  I'd come and visit you, sometimes edit you, but not really help you develop and grow.  I joined a club to try to motivate myself to spend more time with you.  It sometimes worked.  I'm sorry I turned my back on you like that.  

Then, finally, when my kids got older, I decided it was time to take our friendship seriously.  It was time to really immerse myself in our time together.  And finally, Writing, you have become one of my best friends again.  We spend quality, fun time together every day.  So many times, I think about how I'd rather be spending time with you than with whatever I'm doing at the time.  I'm so thankful we've grown so close, dear Writing, and I look forward to our time together in the future.  

Love, 

Tamara

And there you are, a fun little exercise to help me experience the assignment along with my students.  I am so richly blessed, between my four jammie jobs, jobs that I can do at home in my jammies: teaching online, writing my novels, being a mommy, and transcribing college classes [free education!]  I'm so thankful today.

An Audience

It’s kind of fun having fans.  Several of my beta readers for After the Dream have expressed excitement over my next book, Pigs Fly.  I’ll mention it in conversation, and they’ll tell me how much they’re looking forward to it, or they will bring it up and ask.  It’s not a big fan base, but it’s nice feeling appreciated.  It gives me hope that I will find a reasonably sized audience for it.

The same is true with my readers’ group who is helping me with my middle-grade children’s book series, Doomimals.  Multiple people have expressed excitement over the story and want to share these books with their kids.  But the best praise I’ve had so far is in my teenage niece’s delight in it.  She is not easily pleased, and she’s older than the target audience.  I know my kids have had a lot of fun helping me come up with ideas for chapter titles and story events and characters.  The harder part will be making sure these books are not just exciting but meaningful. 

For me, it’s not so much about being appreciated, admired, or even paid.  It’s about helping people.  It’s why I write.  It’s why I do what I want to do:  to touch lives.  I’m sure I will enjoy having strangers come up and tell me they had fun reading my book.  But the comments I’m looking forward to are the ones about how the story, its events, its spiritual content, etc. helped people. That’s the kind of commentary that will truly mean I’m fulfilling my calling in sharing the stories I’m here to share.  I don’t want my words to remain flat, black and white letters on the page.  I want them to help people feel understood, overcome hardship, and find healing.  Otherwise, I’m missing the point.  

Making Sense

Right now, I'm working on making my story make sense.  The first thing I do, after some work on characters and getting the basic concept down, is to write whatever comes to mind from the plot.  Oh, I need a scene where my characters fight?  Great.  Sit down and write it.  Somewhere, there's going to be a flashback about how Robin got her pig?  Awesome!  Sit down and write it.  I blogged about this previously.  I call it quilt writing.  I first create the quilting squares of writing, or scenes, then sit down and put them together.  A couple of weeks ago, I assembled the spinal column of my story.  Now, I'm working on making sure all the bones fit where I put them.  When they don't fit, I put them somewhere else.  For instance, I wrote a scene in which one character reacts to another's negativity.  When I wrote the scene, I didn't know where it would fit in the story.  When I figured out where it had to go, plotwise, he hadn't yet learned some of the factors that went into his reaction.  Those bits had to be cut.  It hurt.  I wanted them there.  But I needed that scene right there for the plot to make sense.  

Some people may say at this point, "Then why don't you start out with an outline?  It would save you time in the end."  For some authors, that works great.  They figure out the plot line, outline it, then flesh it out by writing it.  I'm trying something similar on the side with my mid-grade children's story series Doomimals.  But I run into a lot more walls and run out of steam a lot more often when I have to figure out the dreaded What Comes Next.  It's just not the way I think, the way I function.  I thrive on making sense out of chaos.  If I don't have chaos, I don't have material.  Either this makes sense to you, and you should read on, or this doesn't make sense, and you should ignore me and work with your outlines.  

I heard a writer say everyone uses outlines.  They may do it first or they may do it later.  I suppose that's true.  But I have discovered to keep my creative juices flowing, I can't outline until the characters have told me what's going to happen in the story.  I don't really know the details of what's coming until they come out of my fingers.  If I don't know the details, what do I have to outline?  

If you're a chaos writer, one I've heard referred to as a "by the seat of your pantser," and you're finding neat outlines and chronologies aren't working for you, sit down and start your quilt squares.  Write something, anything, every day, from a character description to the most dramatic moment in your book to a scene that is just for you because the reader doesn't need this much detail.  What happens ANYWHERE in your story or even before or after your story?  Do you have a vivid image of your final scene but no idea where to start?    Do you have a really great idea for a flashback?  Sit and write it.  Get those juices flowing.  Make your squares, and eventually, a beautiful quilt may just come out of it, even if some of those squares never get used.  

Spiritual Core

A couple of weeks ago, I was pondering how to bring spiritual themes into my latest book.  In After the Dream, my first book, my main character had a grandfather who could guide her spiritual journey.  In Pigs Fly, my second book, I want to have characters on various parts of their spiritual pathways, but I don't necessarily want just one character to embody spiritual strength in this book.  I feel like I've played that card and don't want to over-play it.  I also have two different side characters who I want to be main characters in future books.  If I make their voices all-wise here, how can they learn, grow, and develop when it becomes their turn to tell their own story?  How can a reader identify with someone who just needs to tweak perfection in order to be MORE perfect?

So I want a source of wisdom that isn't necessarily just a character here.  I have considered for a while having Robin, my main character, who is a pilot, look to one of the real presidency of the LDS church, a pilot named President Uchtdorf, for her spiritual guidance.  Today, as part of the semi-annual LDS General Conference, President Uchtdorf gave a talk in which he described how men took ruins of a chapel destroyed during World War II and built something new and beautiful from these ruins. He went on to say as capable as man is of recreating beauty from the ashes, the Lord is all the more capable.  The Lord can take the ruins of life and soul and restore them to something better than we ever imagined possible.  I recognized as I listened that this is the spiritual heart of my story, a key to my damaged and angry character's healing process.  I prayed for guidance about how to bring in more spiritual themes--since that's a critical part of why I write--without making the story feel fake or contrived.  Thank you, Father, for sending me an answer from above.

Dialogue

So I learned I've been doing dialogue wrong this whole time.  Okay, so maybe I can say I've been doing dialogue in a less professional manner than I should without knowing it.  I watched a video posted by BookBaby/Autocrit about dialogue, and it showed me how I should be doing it according to many editors and publishers.  I knew that adverbs were to be minimized if not avoided entirely in strong writing.  Too many -ly words can lead to weaker instead of stronger writing, and the Harry Potter series was improved as J.K. Rowling worked on trimming them back.  So I knew that I shouldn't tag dialogue with phrases like "said happily" or "asked sadly."  But it seemed to me like the word "said" was such a dry, dull word.  I've heard again and again that redundancy is the kiss of death for good writing.

Well, it turns out I was wrong.  I submitted my first manuscript chock full of characters that screamed, purred, mocked, or murmured their words.  Instead, I should have erred on the side of boring and redundant.  It turns out that one is best served having characters that said this, said that, answered this, and--occasionally--shouted or whispered something when the volume becomes important.  Who knew?  The dialogue tags are simply to show the reader who said what and then fade into the background.  Instead, one should concentrate on beefing up the dialogue, so it's obvious who is screeching, purring, etc.  Not only that, but one should avoid having the characters speak and do something that can't be done while someone is speaking like laughing or coughing words.  Good to know.  Now, I'm wondering what other bits of writing wisdom I'm missing.

My Philosophy

The Standard Romance and Me

Most of us have read or watched the romance: perfect man meets perfect woman.  Granted, they both have one major flaw.  Once they get past that one major flaw, the man makes life perfect for her, and she is rewarded for good behavior.  It's Disney's "Cinderella" all over again.  Many of us have internalized the story to such an extent that we crave it and tell ourselves, "One day, that will be me."  This was my dream for the longest time.  If only I could be Cinderella, the perfect girl, then the perfect man would give me all my dreams.  I internalized the need to be the perfect, beautiful, docile girl if I ever wanted that romance.  

I tried to be docile and shy for a long time.  It came naturally to me.  But I developed a complex about my increasing weight and need to wear glasses.  How could I get married if I couldn't be perfect?  Over time, I rejected Cinderella's mandate.  I learned to overcome my docility and learned helplessness and become confident.  I decided I did not need a man to make me happy.  I had my own Elsa-like declaration to take that perfect girl fiction and "Let it Go."  Furthermore, I noticed more and more there were no perfect girls, no perfect guys, that happily ever after was fiction, and that not just beautiful, docile women were getting married.   I fully noticed that the standard romance was fiction.   

Embracing Imperfection

Once I became confident and embraced my ability to take care of myself, I was able to look for a man on my own terms, one who suited me, not just one who would choose me for my passivity.  I noticed that guys who choose girls for their passive natures can also be those who abuse them.  I wanted a man who embraced me for who I was. And I found him on my terms and in my way.  I didn't wait passively for him to seek me out.  When I found him and knew him to be the person I wanted, I pursued him for a year and a half until he decided I was right and that we belonged together.  

The truth is I am not alone in my imperfection.  I have yet to meet a perfect man or a perfect woman in reality.  And romance doesn't solve all problems for man or woman.  In fact, it can create many more complications than it solves.  From my experience, few people fit the profile described in most books I read: physically, mentally, and emotionally "normal," beautiful, white.  Almost everyone I know personally only appears to live the perfect life from the outside.  From inside their world, most people have a condition of some sort, some kind of disability or difficulty that complicates their life.  I have insomnia.  My husband has depression.  I've recently gone through every member of my family and figured out something that could give them a diagnosis now or in the past.  

People like to think that normal means being free from these struggles, but the truth is life is hard.  It's meant to be.  If we don't have struggles, we don't have any reason to reach out for help from others or from God.  We don't have a way to learn compassion for others who also struggle.  From my experience, there's nothing normal about being normal.  Normal is a setting on a dryer.  So where's their story?  Where's our story? 

Searching for our Story

I've heard it argued that romantic fiction is supposed to depict a fantasy world, a world of perfection.  But from my experience, the expectation of perfection created by these stories, especially in the young, can be damaging.  I see people who seek a hero or heroine with whom to identify, someone who speaks to their life and experience.  Latin Americans search with little success to find very many Latinos in media.  Native Americans do the same.  Black Americans find more success, but so much of it is stereotyped.  Where's the romance for the overweight woman or the emotionally scarred man or the diabetic individual?  

I join my voice to voices of a growing number of writers who are telling stories for the underrepresented reader, the ones who aren't a perfect ten in mind and body or who don't fit the "norm."  I'm an LDS romance author, and for now, that is my genre.  I know we have a loving Heavenly Father who yearns to help us through our struggles.  This is my philosophy, that nobody is perfect but God, so we look to Him to guide us through our personal stories.  Everyone is capable of finding joy.